Are you a man striving to be a good leader for your family, but your attempts are misfiring? Do you and your wife argue or withdraw from each other in frustration? As a counselor, I often see couples struggle in this area. They fail to grow together spiritually, which is intimacy Christian couples need. However, you can improve the situation if you change your attitude about three key verses, and adopt a new approach to leadership.
What the Scripture Says & Doesn’t Say
Let’s look at what the scripture says, and what it doesn’t say to root out the problem. Men often mistake these verses to mean something they don’t say. Take a look and you’ll see what I mean (in NKJV):
- “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22).
- “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” (Colossians 3:18).
- “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands…” (1 Peter 3:1).
The message many men insert into this is: Husbands, get your wives to submit to you. This assumed meaning often gets couples into trouble. It makes men responsible for what their wives do. Yet, that is clearly not what the scriptures say. The verses directly address wives, giving them their responsibility. How they decide to respond is between them and God. Interestingly, these same passages directly address men about their responsibility (in NKJV):
- “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church,” (Ephesians 5:25).
- “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.” (Colossians 3:19).
- “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife…” (1 Peter 3:7).
The clear message to men in these passages is to love our wives, avoid behaving bitterly toward them, live with them with understanding, and to give honor to them. I have seen improvement in couples’ lives by helping men focus on these things. If you direct your energy toward being worthy of submission, you will see changes for the better. Treat it like a precious jewel when she responds well—consider it a gift. You will be happier with each other. Set the example by fulfilling your own responsibility these verses give you. By doing so, you make it easier for her to fulfill her responsibility. Give her an example worth following. The leader must fulfill his role no matter what, because it is the right thing to do. That is leadership.
Here’s What to Do About It
Most men do better with a specific list of actions for solving a problem. The following list comes straight from the Bible—it ought to help:
1.) Love your wife.
2.) Avoid bitter behavior toward her.
3.) Live with her with understanding.
4.) Give honor to her.
This gives you a solid foundation and a basic idea of what to do. However, I will explore specifically what these four things look like in a follow-up entry. I encourage you to be the leader by doing your part well. It’s a way of inviting her to join you into a healthier relationship. Since these four steps are a biblical action plan, you know you are on solid ground. Keep a positive attitude. Show consistent follow-through. Pray every day. Ask God how you can love your wife. Think of something, then do it. Bolster her confidence in you. Be a rock for her like Christ is a rock for the church (Ephesians 5:25). We will talk again soon.
By Jason Pretzel, LPC
Start these steps today. Subscribe to my newsletter (below). You can contact me by way of email (jasonpretzel@jasonpretzel.com), or let us know the positive changes you make in your life in the comments section on YouTube, X (@JasonPretzel), or Facebook (Jason Pretzel). Please make comments, send questions, or request subjects for me to tackle in future entries.
